Convo

After just getting off the telephone with my father for an hour, always leaves me upset in one way or another.  This time we talked about helping my mom get a flight out to Italy to see my uncle who is suffering from not 1 but 2 strokes leaving him with no capability to speak or walk.  Then he moves on to other rants of no work, Christmas, and how he is proud of my with my accomplishments.  This should normally make someone happy in a way, right? It was quite sad actually.  He of course brings up all the past life-threatening situations, past memories, school, and my relationship with Matt. He told me a couple nights ago he had a vivid dream of when he was teaching me how to ski down the bunny hill in my bright pink snow suit and pink panther boots when I was 4 or 5. That was weird because I was talking about that with Matt a couple days ago.  Every time I see or talk to my dad now, I always feel odd afterwards.  Nothing is the same, and I feel like he is not my dad.  My dad was an outgoing, funny, exciting, great conversationalist, comforting, and most of all, loving.  Now I hear and see a bitter, reserved, depressed, and negative person.  Most of our conversations now consist of the negative aspects of life, which just bogs me down and makes me feel sorry for him. Making me forget the fact that he did this to himself and our family, when he decided to go off with whom I would rather not speak the name of.  He then brought up the subject of family and how my step-step-grandma (I think this is what you would call your 3rd 'gma' when grandpa is divorced, widowed, and then remarried again?) is going to counseling for her "bitterness" towards everyone. I guess 'step-step-gma' was trying hurt my mom for some reason, even though she always tells me to tell my mom Hi and whatnot.  My dad told me not to be so naive.  I told him that I might be naive but I don't feel like I should always be suspicious about my family and not believe what they tell me. Whats the point in family then? They should always be the #1 people in your life to trust. Of course that's my opinion. 

Harry Potter

So I was never really intrigued in this series until recently.  I have no idea why, but I had a sudden itch to begin 

a Harry Potter movie marathon. I was pleasantly surprised when I enjoyed them.  I am now reading the books. So 

far so good, obviously the books are always better than the films.  

In general though, I have been on a book reading spree.  Any suggestions on new books would be greatly 

appreciated! 

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me

i carry it in my heart

i am never without it

anywhere i go you go,my dear; 

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate

for you are my fate, my sweet

i want no world

for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; 

which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

i carry it in my heart

~e.e. cummings~

set it free...

You know that saying, "If you love something set it free..."
Well I think that easier said than done. For the past three years, I have missed my dad. I have tried to forgive him for what he's done and tried my hardest to keep our relationship as normal as possible, but I feel like he just doesn't care and his new life is the most important thing now.  Everyday I think about him and I wish those memories were still part of reality.  He wasn't there for me when my boyfriend died in a crash, he wasn't there with me when I found out I was sick again, he told me I didn't have a father anymore, and the worst of all, he may not be there to walk me down the isle. So, I am going to try to believe in that quote, "If you love something set it free, if it comes back, it was meant to be, if it doesn't it never was." In the end I know God will provide and take care of things, I can only hope things happen sooner than later. <3

Makeuploveer giveaway

Im super excited for this! check it out on http://makeuploveer.blogspot.com/2010/09/mac-giveaway.html!!!

Venomous Villians

I am certainly excited for this collection to come out! I am a huge Disney enthusiast, so September 30th can't come soon enough... Here is a sneak peek at the 4 villains of the collection ~ Cruella De Vil, Evil Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, and lastly Dr. Facilier from The Princess and the Frog.  

Gotta love 'em

So lately I have been helping out my cousin who lives like 5 minutes down the road. She just got a new teaching job which requires her to leave  at 6am... So I help her get her daughter up and ready for kindergarten.  Everyday she comes up with all sorts of stuff, well today she HAD to take something with her to school, in which I was told she can not.  When I told her she should leave that here so she doesn't lose it or anything at school, this 5 year old actually got in my face and started screaming at me... I was dumbfounded. Never in my "babysitting" experiences have I ever seen a child go this nuts. I couldn't help myself but walk away and laugh.  What would you do?

once upon a time...

Once upon a time... well isnt that how all stories should begin? Like a little fairytale?  my life has been anything but a "fairytale". I actually have a hard time believing there is any sort of thing out there even resembling a lovely little Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty story. So instead my life has always been like that complicated neverending rollercoaster ride. Lots of ups and downs and all arounds. Unfortunatly. Im sure most of you guys can relate.  And I must say I am not one for roller coasters. Anyways... I will never forget that wonderful day of finding out that i had Cancer. Not just any kind but Chronic AML Leukemia. I remember the Christmas on 1995 my family and I were walking in our local mall. My mom kept commenting that i was getting really skinny and pale. So for 3 months i was going to doctors and having all sorts of tests done to me. Finally march 1996 they found it. The very first thing they did to me when i got to the hospital, just minuets after i found it all out, was give me a spinal tap... AWAKE by the way. That was the most painful thing that was ever done to me. I can even remember and hear my scream. It waws horrible! I had the whole shebang done to me, i had an internal chest line(like an IV), chemo, you name it. That time i did everything the doctors said i wouldnt and couldnt do. I ate everything i wanted without getting sick, i was strong, and fought hard. I was very active, i loved playing with the other kids, doing crafts, and even playing midnight soccer with my night nurses in the halls. I thought it wasen't so bad. We all thought it was all over, and thank God right? But then a year after i was diagnosed, I had a relapse. This time i did not do so well. I was sick all the time, I never ate anything, i was depressed, and I was just miserable. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me all over again. "Could this really be happening? AGAIN?" I thought. There was no way. But I had no choice. It had gotten so bad that they fed me through a tube for, man I dont even remember how long. Tubes comin outt of every which way. It wasen't even being bald that bothered me, I loved it! It was having the treatments and being confined like a little test rat. I couldn't do anything, I couldnt go anywhere, and I hardly saw my family or friends. Not all days were like this thought. I remember one day there was this new girl that came into the special unit i was in. There were like 8 rooms in an enclosed place where you had to wash your hands before you entered. Anytime we left we had to wear those obnoxious masks over our faces, to fight infection or whatever. But like I said there was this new girl that came. I remember she cried and screamed. She wouldnt come out of her room. Her parents started to talk to mine, and they decided to have me go in there to see if she could at least go to the play room with me. After a few minuets I got her to laugh and we were inseprable there. We kept eachother company and played games, we even had the same slippers her mom bought us! Things crumbled when she got to leave. Then i was all alone again. Dont get me wrong though I was so happy she got better and was able to leave. I was so excited when i got the news i could leave and go home. It was my mom and I and the rest of my family was at home. So my mom and I decided that we would go and suprise them. Things went well for a while. My mom and I went to Sicily so I could meet my family there. But of course something else began. We didnt think it was a big deal but it got really hard for me to walk. I was walking on my tippy toes. My calves were as hard as a rock and they were starting to discolor. It started to spread up my body like wildfire. Went back to my doctor and no one there had a clue what was happening. So he sent me to a friend of his at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. There I met with her and a bunch of Physical Therapists. I swear I was on a dozen medications all at once she put me on. She also told us it was called Graft Vs. Host Disease. This went on for two years. They caught it before it got spread to my face. It not only discolorse the skin so it looks like i was bruised, but it tightens the musclesd and tendons, aas well as the skin. I ended up in a wheelchair for a while because I couldnt walk and it was very painful. Finally though it began to let up after 2 yearsof physical therapy and medications and I finally began to walk. Later I could grab a glass with one hand. By the time i was in Highschool I could run. I was a very long and painful journey but I concoured it.